Sunday, March 06, 2016

After reading the article above, it made me realize of my own personal struggle. Nowadays the term transgender is on the forefront of the consciousness and the word is an umbrella word to accommodate others that don't fit the binary male and female and later i also learn that there are some trans who's hasn't got any gender dysphoria with their bodies or maybe a little which personally question that person silently. When i was young growing up in a conservative family, neighbours, society, it pains me greatly to be treated as a wrong gender like every time when people address you and treat you, misgender you its like a knife going through you and people surrounding you doing that everyday and what i can do is just cried at night to sleep every night and question my beliefs non-stop.  Only recently while i was in Philippines i met a few transwomen and some who didn't have the dysphoria at all just amazed me and i questioned myself inside wether that person is just an effiminate gay male which is nothing wrong at all but its still shocking personally. Most 'transsexual women' (the old term)  since its apt that the idea that i have in my head is most transwomen have dysphoria like feel 'trapped in their bodies' is what transwomen are because it hurts so badly and to growing up observing your own sister blooming to become herself while you have wait 20,30,40 years later and missed all the things what teenage girls got to experience. Some transwomen got kicked out from home and some run away to become who they are because it is painful to see everyone else (the term cisgender coined recently perfectly to describe non-trans people) just living their life to the fullest in the society while you're stuck in this body thinking wanted to end it every day or just living life a walking dead,... that's how i felt for most of my teenage years and later until in college and got a job....but manage to pick up again bit by bit and continue transitioning later...
Yesterday my soul cringes when one of my friend telling the audience about this local animation that features a transwoman but in it the name of the character is 'Abang' something. Her intentions is good i know that perfectly and I corrected her before that that is not a maknyah or a transwoman, maybe just an effiminate male. Abang is a title that you call yourself in Malay society if you're 'male identified' and add your name after that. I corrected my sister last time since young every time they call me that, its like taking a bullet through the chest every minute, hour, day i and told her to call me Along, a neutral title for a first child. It is bad for anyone with gender dysphoria that's why i have a doubt when there's a transwomen who can call herself 'abang' which means s/hes ok with his/her/their identity being a male (legal name and documents, in the family, school, workplace, society, system) and amaze me a little only recently when the term transgender became well know to include even crossdresser or transvestite who is a 'cisgender' and 'male identified' and hasn't got any dysphoria at all and in a way white washed transwomen with gender dysphorias issues (internal) and also the challenges (external) growing up in a family, school, college, society, workplace, clinics, hospital, prison, roadblocks, airport, immigrations, travelling, life insurance, banks, religious institutions, country's system. Tired.

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